I wanted to paint a landscape of this Russian river, but that would be Obscene.

@Puns

Living in a vacuum sucks.

@Puns

The other day, I had sex while dressed as Ray Davies. It's the Kinkiest thing I've ever done.

@Puns

I had a performance review at work today. The boss said I was average, but he was just being mean.

@Puns

I got charged with 1,000 counts of child pornography. Am I a millipede?

@Puns

My washing machine keeps laughing. I think it's taking the piss out of my underpants.

@Puns

I like setting rectums on fire. Am I an arseonist?

@Puns

I just bought a new boat. I called it Durex, because it's full of sea men.

@Puns

Are the morbidly obese well rounded people?

@Puns

If you're sexually attracted to folding paper, do you have origamisms?

@Puns

If you have an abortion, and the foetus would have grown up to be a judge, is that a miscarriage of justice?

@Puns

A joke told for the second time is dead. You could say they're post humorous.

@Puns

On Valentines day many people take heart.

@Puns

Soldiers who are good at their job make it all the way to the top. Or is that a generalisation?

@Puns

Somebody told me there was a broth cooking on my laptop, so I opened a process viewer to check. It was Stupid.

@Puns

When I went to the bakers, I was served by this bloke with red hair.

Was he the gingerbread man?

@Puns

After periodic doubts about his vocational calling, the young chemistry teacher concluded he was out of his element.

@Puns

Which reminds me...

You hear about last years Booker Prize winner? He was an ex-pikeman with Parkinsons. They say he's the next Shakespeare.

@Puns

Have you heard about that origami shop? It folded.

@Puns

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

@Puns

Did you hear about all those rebellious mathematicians who started their own counter culture?

@Puns

The worst porn video every made was set in the 1960's with magic cars.

It was a pretty shitty gang bang.

@Puns

Venison's dear, isn't it?

@Puns

My missus thought she was buying some cheap hair care products, but when she got it home found she'd been conned - the bottle contained only diluted faeces.

Yeah, it was shampoo.

@Puns

Hear about that undead Bulgarian midget?

He was Malkiavian.

@Puns

Did you hear about Snap killing Crackle and Pop?

He's a serial killer!

@Puns

I got beaten up by a rabbi earlier. Turns out, he knew Jiu jitsu.

@Puns

Why is all the good stuff twelve inches long?
Click to open/close

Because great things are afoot!

]

@Crap Jokes @Puns

♲ Giaco el vecio
Baroque Obama on Sta

For the lulz.

link


@Puns

I had beans on toast for my tea. When I opened the tin, one of them told me they were all female beans who loved each other.

They were lesbeans.

@Puns

A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was clearly platoonic.

@Puns

(This one stolen from fortunate)

The lost civilisation of Atlantis didn't have court rooms as we know them today. Instead, they put suspected felons on trial in buildings made entirely of frozen water.

They were great believers in justice.

@Puns

Did you hear about those postal workers that got married at Gretna Green?

They enveloped.

@Puns

Soldiers can steal cars without breaking a window, thanks to the latest high-tech khakis.

@Puns

This hermaphrodite I know just moved to Middlesex.

@Puns

I chopped off my hand, and replaced it with a giant plastic spider.

I'm now a terror wrist.

@Puns

You hear about that woman with no mouth, no anus and no vagina?

She was really lazy - just couldn't be fucked with anything.

@Puns

Seems Wasteland 2 is officially sanctioned by Tibetan Buddhism.

Yeah - the Dalai Lama is In Exile.

@Puns

It may surprise you to discover that the most famous terrorist of recent years came from Australia. He took time off between December and February every year to raise money working as a bin collector, though he didn't like being outside.

His name was

Oz summer bin lad-in

@Puns


(Do I win a prize for the biggest stretch ever?)

Police arrested a man who robbed a bank while Tweeting about it. He's hoping for a short sentence.

@Puns